Stuck in the center of a never ending battle
Saturday, Feb. 25, 2006 at 4:56 a.m.
The 25th. If I wouldnt have had a miscarriage today would have been my due date. I could have or would soon be having a child. I think about this pratically everyday. Everyday my heart aches for the child I will never see never hold in my arms. Somedays I wish to god I never would have lost that child. Somedays I see that its better this way. Anyway, Ive got nothing to offer a child at this moment in my life.
I often wonder if Danny even thinks about me. About the child we would have had together. I do not however miss him. I dont think he would have been there for me anyway. I dont think he would have been a very good father. But then again what do I know?
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The opportunity to cheat on Joseph is there. The thought always there. The one thing he said he feared most. Ive said over and over again that I love him and wouldnt do that to him but when it comes down to it Its a struggle. I say now that there is no way in hell I would but if put in the situation I dont know if Im strong enough to say no.
Ive learned the hard way how cheating affects me and I didnt feel the way about that guy that I do about joe. So I believe it would have an even greater affect this time.
Justine has told me numerous times she "knows" i will cheat on him. Thanks for the support by the way.
But arent I a better person than that? Dont I care about others? I use to. What the hell happened to me? To who I use to be? I became the person I said I never would. Then somehow found my way back - im still fighting to get that person back.
But the thrills of the life I use to lead always linger in the back of my mind. The partying, the drugs, the alcohol, the sleepless nights and so much more. Somehow I managed to get myself out of all that without too many people finding out.
The only things I took with me are pages and pages of memories forever recorded in notebooks, the smoking, the damn sleepless nights and perhaps a few people that I talk to on rare occasion. Of course I miss it. I miss the way guys made me feel when they told me I was beautiful. But you see that was mainly just to get into my pants.
But now I want something more. I want nothing more than to be loved not used. And I believe I have found that in Joseph. Why oh why would I jeopardize that? If I do cheat on him then I do not deserve to ever be loved. I will never be anything more than a whore; like my mother. Of course I am my mothers daughter so perhaps there never was any hope for me in the first place. Perhaps I am fighting a battle I have no chance of winning.
I pray to God this isnt true.
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