My heart aches for you still. Always.
Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2006 at 12:18 a.m.
All day I have thought of nothing but my child. The one lost. All day I have fought back the tears. But I let them come now. Now that I am alone.
What hurts the most is the fact that NO ONE consoles me. They all have forgotten. Or perhaps refused to believe it in the first place. I cant and I wont pretend that I wasnt pregnant. That I lost a child. A small helpless, dependent child. I will never be able to forgive anyone for treating me the way they did when I told them I was infact pregnant.
It's pain that I dont think one can understand unless having been there. It hurts beyond words. Beyond any depression I have ever felt. Beyond anything. I question and I curse God constantly for having allowed this to happen. For ripping my heart out completely this time. They say God loves all people but I truly believe that he hates me. If he didnt he wouldnt keep putting me through such shit.
I think of how I could be holding a child; my child at this moment. I feel so empty. I have felt this empty since the day in the doctors office. I may always feel this way. For something such as a baby can not be replaced.
I want nothing more than to be held right now. For my Joseph to tell me everything is alright. That someday when we both are ready we will have children. We will have what I lost and I wont have to feel this way anymore. And until then I have him. Even if he has no idea. Even if my child wouldnt have been his. But I dont even have him. In thought I do but I need him here physically.
*I feel alone because I am*
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