Where Ive come from- thats where im going.
Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 at 2:45 a.m.
Another year. Another new fucking year. Another year wasted. Ive got nothing to show. I am nowhere in life.
When will I just face the fact that I am destined to be just like where I came from. Im destined to be like my mother. Which is a whore, white trash, a person who can barely take care of themselves let alone even think about having a job, a house and raising a family. i'll be the neighborhood slut who's everyday drunking antics is the talk of the town.
Scrapping up pennys from the couch just to get a pack of cigarettes. And the mother of the little girl who steals candy and food from diarymart. Of the child who hides silently in the dark in her room when her mother has one of her drinking partys. Who hides because of all the enibrated men. She hides because she still remembers what happen last time. She hides because she doesnt want to be touched that way ever again.
I want nothing more in the world to never have to revisit a time in my life that continues to haunt me let alone force another to have to live through that. But I just have no motivation. I dont have the strenght.
All I want is for someone to take care of me. Something I was suppose to have gotten such a long time ago. But somehow i was looked over. For someone to love me. For someone to hold me and tell me they love me and actually mean it.
It doesnt help matters much that Joseph's leaving soon. Why do you think I always fall for the guys in the service? The ones that always fucking leave. Maybe it's subconscious. Ive been left my whole life. Anything other than that is unfamiliar to me.
Im not sure that when he does leave im going to be okay. I try not to even think about it but its impossible. It's impossible when that's all his friends talk about. When it enguffs us everywhere we go. It just rips my fucking heart out. My fragile heart.
Im going to be all alone again. With no purpose in life. With no real reason to live. Without purpose. Something to look forward to. Someone to love. Someone to love you. Whats the fucking point? When you cant wake up next to the person who means the world to you why even be alive?
I never had purpose to begin with. Im just starting to really feel it now.
Please excuse me. The tears ive just cried have exhausted me.
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