Lies. Loves. Shattered Friendships
Saturday, Oct. 29, 2005 at 8:48 p.m.
*10-20-05*
As I lie in bed wrapped tightly in the blankets, wearing his shirt, hugging the bear he gave me -wondering the same thoughts - wishing the same wishes and crying the same tears - my phone rang.
"Mom calling" displayed on the caller ID. I knew immediately. My heart fell from the inside. I knew it was Chris. Although I cannot remember the conversation in whole I recall him saying he understood if I chose not to be talking to him. I reminded him I wouldnt have answered if I didnt want to talk to him.
He said he couldnt remember everything that was said that night but he remembers one thing. He remembers me asking him if he would regret it tomorrow or a week from now. Chris said he did regret it. Not at first but now he does. The night before he called me he was up all night thinking of me. I cant help but to wonder just what exactly he was thinking about. I pretended not to really care he called. I pretended It didnt matter either way if I ever saw his again. But it did matter. He invited me over and needless to say - I went.
Technically we are back together now and all was great the first few days. However, I feel he is getting distant again. And as much as I'd love to reach out and pull him back im not so sure I should. Maybe I should just let go. Maybe I never should have went over that night in the first place. Maybe I just have no clue what the hell to do.
I find myself staring at him. Thinking one moment how I may love him- the next figuring out why I am there. If I really find him attractive. And if all that outway his flaws. I wonder whats going through his head and I get paranoid. He's making plans for "our future" again and I want to scream at him to quit lying to me.
I find myself dreading everyday he goes to work also. Because when he broke up with me the first time - he had been working. And I know they dont like me there. I feel like they are brainwashing him into breaking up with me again. It pisses me off because these people dont even know me. It just little girls with little crushes who have no hope anyway.
He's working right now and Im scared I'll never see or talk to him agian. But just so you know if he does this to me again its the last time. I wont allow him to disrespect me and I wont allow myself to appear to be an idiot; desperate so to speak.
I can only pray he doesnt leave me because he is all Ive got now. Ive never really had many friends and Justine and I are no longer on speaking terms. But it doesnt matter that I am alone, that I have no friends because I dont need a so called friend like her. I dont need the lack there of.
You want to know what happened?....
To make a long story short....
We were suppose to do something when I got off work at 5:00. I finally called her at 8:00 she said she was on her way home. She'd call when she got there. Around 11:00 is when chris called- Justine still hadnt - 6 hours late. And besides- if the situation we're reversed. If her Ex called her she'd do the same - I'd bet my life on it.
She called a million times and I suppose I was wrong not to answer. She had guy call my house very late claiming to be someone he wasnt. Someone who doesnt even have my house number anyway. She sent me text messages saying she hates me and I get what I deserve. Saying that Chris and I deserve each other, that we are white trash. Of course- Im not scared of her or whatever she may do. The only I have to worry about is the money I loaned her but I gave up exspecting to be payed back a long time ago.
And of course I ignored all of the shit. I wasnt stooping to her level. Although Chris did send her a few choice words. And then I am told something that made me realize after all these years, after all the shit she has put me through and always telling her it was okay, pretending not to be mad even if I really was - what an evil person she really is. I realized I want nothing to do with her ever again. She had the nerve, the fucking balls, the pure hatred to say she slept with Danny while we were still dating. Danny - a guy I was honestly in love with. The father to the child I lost. now if she really did or not doesnt matter to me. Because he hurt me beyond words and I care to never have his memory in mine ever again. I care to never know the truth. Although thinking of it now makes so much sense. I refused to allow myself to think it true back then. It's just the point that she would say that just to hurt me. To hit me right in the heart. It didnt work but its the point.
A real friend would never sleep with their best friends boyfriend in the first place (again). And a real friend wouldnt say they did to hurt the other.
In this case. Im better off.
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