C.P.C.
Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005 at 11:48 p.m.
Somedays. Somedays are awesome. Somedays are okay. And some. Some are terrible. Some days I can barely make it through without wanting to slit my fucking wrist. Without wanting someone to come and put me outta my pain; my misery. I havent felt this way in awhile. I guess its catching up with me.
So I wonder - what you are doing at this moment. Any moment. Every fucking moment. Are you thinking of me? Regretting the things you said; your choices? Is that urge to call me eatting at your fucking soul? Or are you just drinking it into submission? Drinking until you've forgotten about me - for the moment.
Sometimes I wish I were an alcoholic too so I could do the same. So I wouldnt have to deal with the pain of your absence or my own thoughts. So I wouldnt have to deal with all that shit and more like a normal person should. But im not an alcoholic and I have no other choice but to deal with it.
Sure, I could easily cut myself into a blood fucking oblivion and everything would be okay again - for the moment. But then Id have the scars to remind me - of you. Of fucking you and I cant bring myself to do that - not this time.
*********
Each day a little more of me dies and shrivels up to nothing.
Each day a little piece of my heart disappears. And still- somehow- I cant bring myself to hate you - to despies of you even though I should.
Sometimes I feel the angry building up inside me but maybe thats anger towards myself for allowing tears to continue to roll from my eyes.
Sometimes missing you depletes my body of all its energy.
Sometimes it gives me all the courage in the world.
Most of the time - I still want you back.
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