no more tears
Friday, Sept. 30, 2005 at 7:44 p.m.
Its starting again. That viscious cycle. I can feel it in my blood and in my heart. Except this time it's starting a little sooner than exspected. And Im scared. Im scared to fucking death.
why does this always happen? Why do I get attached to people so easily? Do I really feel the need to love and be loved that damn bad? I dont want to love chris but god forbid I feel myself falling for him a little more each day. And each day I feel the jealously sinking in too. Why must I be such a jealous person? What is it I am even jealous of? Past girlfriends? Little teenage girls at work? It doesnt matter what I am jealous of the point is Im just fucking jealous.
And of being scared....I dont want to be hurt again. Ive said a million times over that I didnt think I could handle it but I always bounce back eventually. Theres no doubt in my mind that I could it's just the fact that I dont want to. I want for once in my life for something to go right. I want just one person to be everything that they seem; that they say they are.
Chris has said to me several times he loves me. I always change the subject. Ive never said it back. I just cant bring myself to do it. A million fucking times Ive wanted to say those words to him. But I just cant.
I look at him and I see every asshole from the past. I feel every scar on my heart. And I cant for the life of my understand why I cant let any of that go. why I cant allow myself to be happy. But maybe that is it....
No guy will ever make me happy because I refuse to let them.
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