empty heart
Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 at 9:15 p.m.
I dont quite understand what I have done to deserve such punishment in my life. Such reoccurring agonizing punishment. What have I done? What justification is there?
Chris broke up with me last night. he told me he cared too much about me. He told me he wasnt ready to feel like this again. He told me he was scared to get hurt. Which to me makes so much sense and yet no sense at all. If you care about someone you dont break up with them. Am I wrong in thinking this? And yea, im scared to fucking death of getting hurt too but still I jumped head first into this relationship. Hoping for the best.
He said there is no working it out. That it is better to do this now than a year from now. I told him it didnt have to be this way. We could work it out together. He didnt have to let the past consume his future because living in fear of being hurt, being alone for the rest of your life is no fucking way to live. But he doesnt want to change it. Which I KNOW is absolute bullshit.
He told me to just walk away from him. I couldnt do that. I wouldnt do that. He got angry with me because I wouldnt leave. Maybe that was for my own satisfaction. Could I live with myself knowing I gave up so easily? No. He said not to make this any harder than it already was. Because apparently this was hard for him. But then one has to think that perhaps we had other options. He could finally face his fears, his past, his pain and mend it. Not run away like a little bitch. Not take the past of least resistance. Not be selfish. Not completely tear my heart out.
How could he do this to someone he claims to care about? Apparently its better for the both of us. I had asked him several nights before if I was worth it. If I was worth allowing him to allow himself to love again. He said he didnt know. He had to see. I finally got my answer.
So would he be happy with his descision tomorrow? A week from now? Yes, he would. He will get over me eventually just like I will him. But he'll never be able to forget me entirely. I'll be that slight breeze that graces his body on a summer night. I'll be the chills that run up his spine. I'll be the whisper in his ear. I'll be the tear he wont allow to roll down his face. I'll be the shadow that crepts across the floor. And most of all... I'll be the ache in his empty heart.
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