hollywood; death to the liars
Monday, Aug. 08, 2005 at 2:01 a.m.
Life is so uneventful. So boring. So mundane. But I suppose anything other than my own life - I wouldnt be able to handle. Ive had atleast 10 years to get used to it and I have found and been set in my comfort zone.
Sometimes though I imagine having everything I ever wanted in life suddenly at my fingertips. Having riches and fame, happiness and love. But then I wake up from whatever dream it is I am having and realize that all of those things wouldnt make me content with life or myself.
Besides, true love- that isnt possible. i'll never find the kind of guy who really loves me. The kind that will buy me flowers for the hell of it, do all those little things the magazines suggest you should do, not cheat on me or hurt my feelings. And not just for the first few months either. I mean forever.
I cant have that. I dont even think that kind of guy exsists. Its something Hollywood made up to make ordinary peoples lives seem worthless for the lack of better words. To make celebrities seem all the more superior. A fucking conspiracy among the million other conspiracies they have conjoured.
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The closest thing i'll ever come to finding the guy Ive always wanted; the one in my dreams; the one hollywood made me so desperately want is Brian. He has his faults but he makes me happy. Being with him makes me happy. When he touches me I get chills down my spine. He takes my breath away. he actually makes my knees shake. I mean really honestly I cant walk because my knees are knocking. No one has EVER made me feel like that. And ive never met a guy who cares only about pleasing me. A year later and that hasnt changed.
I refuse to lose him. I refuse to allow myself to fuck this up. Ive fucked up enough for myself. Not this time.
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