prayers and wishes. Death to cowards
Wednesday, Aug. 10, 2005 at 10:58 p.m.
Today I went to visit my cousin who just had a baby (3 weeks ago). She is so cute. So small. So helpless and dependent.
I kept putting off seeing Gracie because I knew how that would make me feel. I felt sad and depressed. It made me wish I was still pregnant but at the same time glad im not. How badly i wished the baby I held in my arms tonight was mine; I couldnt stop thinking what my baby would have looked like, how he/she would have acted; grown up to be. I kept on wondering what it would have even been, a boy or a girl.
I fought back the tears the whole time I was there. I didnt want my cousin to see how upset I was by being there. But i guess all in all it was good for me to go. It allowed me to remember how hard it is to have a baby. All the stretch marks on her stomach. The weight she had gained and just the hassel in itself.
Its still hard though. I still think about the life that was growing inside me constantly. I still miss it more than I have ever missed anything.
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I missed Danny a lot today. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. Im glad that I got over him as quickly as I did. But then I remember the only reason why I was so emotional over his absence was because I was pregnant. So I guess he never really meant that much to me to begin with. I thought he did. I thought I loved him. I did love him I was just never IN LOVE with him.
I think he meant alot to me because he was the first guy to say he loved me. Of course now that means nothing because i dont believe he ever really did in fact love me. I honestly have no clue what i was or meant to him. sure i'd like to know but if i never found out it wouldnt kill me.
Let me just say this one last thing.... I pray to god that he is miserable. Because seriously... what is the purpose to his being alive? He is worthless and pointless. That guy is a waste. He is the one mistake God made.
And anyways.... he broke my fucking heart. There is no forgiving that.
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