He loves me...he loves me fucking not!
Monday, Apr. 11, 2005 at 10:19 a.m.
I locked my diary because there are people reading that I do not want to be reading.
Danny called me a few nights ago and says, "So what have you been writing about me on the internet?" I felt my jaw hit the ground. How could he have possibly known? Needless to say he was pissed. After awhile of begging him to tell him how he knew he said his friend Jeff just came across it. I find it a little funny that he just came across it. I find it a little funny that Jeff is Justine's boss.
I had every intention to never cut myself again. But Ive found that when someone else hurts me.. I hurt myself. Because Danny hurt me. It seems that cards are more important to him than I am.
He told me he was going to play cards until 12 am. After I called him every hour, after he pretty much did tell me cards are more important I said fuck it.. I went to bed. He finally calls around 4 am. I went to house..god knows why. He kept bugging me to not be mad. How the fuck can I not be mad?
He told me once again he is addicted. That he loss all track of time. That there are going to be nights when he plays all night; there are going to be 2-3 binges. He pretty much gave me an ultimatium- I accept the fact he is fucking addicted to cards-b/c that isnt going to change or I leave him. He then goes on to say how he loves me and i mean the world to him. A little bit ironic- dont ya think?
And last night he decided he would rather be at the fucking table than be with me. Ive decided that I wont get my hopes anymore. Hopefully that will result in less disapointments.
It pisses me off that he think I need to choose. Dont fucking make me choose. I would never do that to him. I guess maybe because I already know that outcome. He'd choose cards over me any day. How fucking sad.
So I suppose I am left with having to think. I need to think if this is what I want. I know I wont leave him. Atleast not for now. But I cant say how long I will be able put up with this bullshit.
The fact that he isnt even willing to try. How can he say that I accept it or dump him? That shows me how much he loves me. Because in my mind..if I did something that hurt the one I love I wouldnt do it anymore. Or I would atleast try to refrain from doing it. OH thats right.. I fucking did that already times 2.
I dont know what to do. I wish I knew which path was the path of least resistance.
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