give it back
Saturday, Jun. 26, 2004 at 3:13 a.m.
He actually called me, twice in one day plus some text messages. I was surprized to see his name flashing on my phone. But I was with my cousin and wasnt too desperate to talk to him. I think that is a good thing. Doesnt make me look obsessive; like I NEED him.
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Ive come to the conclusion tonight that I can live with Ryan. It will be emotionally difficult but I like to believe I am a strong willed-thick headed person. I'd like to think I can accomplish anything I set my complicated mind to.
He said he plans to be gone 3 or 4 months. I think it will be hard forcing myself to get over something I never really had in the first place. Probably even harder when and if he comes back. Will he want to be with me? As boyfriend and girlfriend? As friends? Just being friends will emotionally drain me. But I cant kid myself....If he wanted more I'd give in. Because he has something I subconsciously need and want.
I just dont know what it is he wants from me. And until I do know Im not so sure I can move on from whatever I think it was we had. I need to face the fact that we were just friends with benefits and I was never anything more to him. Why do I keep telling myself Im in love with him? I dont think I really am. Maybe I just have very strong feelings towards him.
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