Its all that wackie shit.
Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 at 4:44 p.m.
Why must my happiness be at the cost of others? For me to be happy is plain ludicrous. My whole life I have done what is exspected of me to a certain point, afraid of how I might make others feel. Im tired of it. I want to be happy for a change. I want to do what makes me feel good about myself.
I can tell my Grandma is pissed that I am going with a guy who is 25. "B/c they only want one thing." But I honestly love how he makes me feel. These feelings are so rare to me. Esp. last night when he seen the scars on my legs. (The first person to ever see them) He just looked me in the eyes and kissed and hugged me. I love him for that.
Im not sure why she wont let me grow up; Why she cant let me go. Why none of them can. It may not be what I want but I know its what I ultimately need in the end.
And my aunt saying how I have a non caring attitude. And she blames her lack of raising her son on me b/c of it. That just made me laugh. That is fucking insane. Well, I had to laugh b/c If I didnt I would have cried.
To be in my family you have to have a non caring attitude. To just have my life you would have to have a non caring attitude. It is honestly the only thing that keeps me alive. To even have my mind set you would have to constantly tell yourself it doesnt matter and you dont care. To not would be suicide. Even though I secertly do care to an exstent. Deep down inside.
I just need to do what makes me happy. Its impossible to please everyone and Im tired of trying. I think I should come first to myself.
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