Howdy again
Sunday, Jan. 05, 2003 at 7:24 p.m.
Something i wrote while being away
This Holiday break over all has been semi ok. Until just now. As i began to write this did heartache settle beack in. Not once did i think about all the many things that ale me. Howeer i did heavly heavly heavly contimplate the one im currently falling for. Is he the reason why i breath or the reason why i cry? With the way i run things i will prolly never know. Im not the one to take that kind of chance. And i prolly will never learn how to either. B/c i cant handle the rejection. And tend to be too hard on myself. I figure i need to be the hardest on me so that when other ppl are it wont be as bad and i will be able to take it. Not until just a few minutes ago did i think about my mother, sisters and brother, my other "family" (can i even call them family?) My Grandma was right when she said I havent gotten over it, i just buried it down and learned how to ignore the numbing pain it produces. But im ok. Ok for now.
And then i thought of carl. I just want to talk to him. I need his advice. It brought tears to my eyes, his life was out of his hands.He knew it was. If i could make a wish (about him) It would be for me to have gotten to know him better. But i guess its better this way. I hardly knew him, it saved ME some pain. Im being selfish. Althought it still hurts. Its funnie how when i think of *boy* or carl I feel the same way. Love shouldnt hurt. Not in the least.
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