Hoping. Praying - we will be together again.
Monday, Mar. 13, 2006 at 3:05 a.m.
Last night I stayed up all night with Adam and Yusef (Joe's friends). We did a bunch of nothing but still it comforted me. To be around them I feel as though Im still in contact with things. And I dont have to be alone. I am not left by myself with myself. With my thoughts. The thoughts that are driving me to the brink of insanity. With my self-destructions.
Tonight I cut myself. Its been a while since the last time and the blood and tears were calming. It was nothing more than an old fashioned blood bath. Of course after the fact I was ashamed of myself. Thinking that maybe I didnt need to do it anymore. But proving to myself that I will never be anything more than what I am.
Ive found myself returning to old obsessions and habits. Cutting. Purging. Hating myself and how I look. My weight. Being self conscious and insecure. Everything I hate and thought I had escaped from. Just to find they never really went away. Realizing these are things I will never be able to truly escape.
Its been about 36 hours perhaps more since Ive last slept. And honestly, Im not much tired. Perhaps I just dont want to sleep alone. Perhaps I just dont want to dream. Every dream I have is about Joe - good bad - Its always about him. Everything is about him.
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