Fear in me.
Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2006 at 11:16 p.m.
Ive been sitting here for hours trying to figure out some things Ive been putting off. Like writing for example. I love writing. I may not be good at it but it's what I love to do. But recently I havent written merely two paragraphs; of anything. I dont know why. School.... I want to/need to go back. I should have never quit. Id nearly have my associates. But I did quit. One would think that going back wouldnt be so hard. But for me it is. Ive since decided that maybe I cant handle being a paramedic. Hell, I cant even pass the test. So close but still nothing. I cant handle having someone else's life in my hands. The responsibility. I CANT DO IT. Of course everyone is disappointed in me. 4 years ive been working on it. But I dont care what they think. Im not doing to do something I dont want to do.
I havent told anyone but im scared. Scared to death. Of life. Of being a failure. Of trying. Of anything and everything. Of death. Im so scared that I dont have the strenght to be anything in life. One day you'll find me homeless and drunk on the side of the road. I dont know why Im so fucking scared. Maybe im scared I'll be just like my mother and cant even bring myself to try in fear of failing. I dont know what it is but sometimes I believe that life is too much for me. I cant handle it. Why didnt anyone prepare me for this?
I keep telling myself that when Joseph leaves I'll get another job so I can start saving money for school. I probably wont be able to handle two jobs. It will probably never happen. When he leaves I know im going to be so fucking depressed I'll be near suicide. If I cant have him why would I want to be alive? And anyway- would two jobs keep me busy enough not to constantly think about him? I doubt it.
Ive got so much shit I need to figure out. And I need to do it fast. Before it's too late. Hopefully I'll be okay. Hopefully Im strong enough to make it through this. Through this.
New Memories Profile Notes Fans E-mail Guestbook Glitter Tramp Design Host