Not what I use to be
Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005 at 1:07 a.m.
Today I was told something that literally made my heart skip 100 beats. words I never expect; wanted to hear.
I was told my exboyfriend Ryan is back in town. Ryan - the first guy who broke my heart and take advantage of me. Someone who made me feel so worthless at the time suicide seemed the only reasonable option.
I was speechless. A million thoughts ran through my head. Hatred I forced down suddenly flared back to life. Memories so long forgotten flashed before my eyes. I remembered how weak I was then. How immature and inexperienced. And he used that to his advantage. I remembered how long it took me to finally accept his absence.
I would love to see him just one more time. What would I do? What would I say? In all honestly probably nothing. I just want him to see me. I want him to see that I am no longer the weak, confused girl I use to be. Everything about me has changed. I want him to see me and realize what he did to me was the biggest mistake of his life.
I want him to want me - so I can rip his fucking heart out of his chest.. run around the room yelling I got you good at the top of my lungs. Drop it and grind it into the ground. Just like the no good fucking loser did to me.
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