what does a girl have to do to find a real man
Saturday, Nov. 05, 2005 at 12:33 a.m.
I feel chris pushing me away again. I feel his shoves. When he cant stand to look at me; to touch me. When he would rather be at the bar than be with me. Words can not express how bad that hurts. And I cant just walk away from him.
Why cant I just walk away. When someone is ripping my fucking heart out. Leaving me there to die one would think the only reasonable thing to do is leave. But its like when A man beats his girlfriend... she wont leave him. WHY? Why wont I; Cant I leave? Ive been cutting myself again because of him. But I wont leave.
Last night... I go over to his mothers house. when He finally comes home. He says to me- lets go smoke. Considering he really hasnt had two fucking words to say to me I am hestitant to go. He asks if I wanna go to a party. I guess he figured he had to invite me because he didnt expect me to be there.
He said he was going back to work to help them close so they could get out. They were going to the bar first. Everytime I go to the bar I get kicked out so we both knew I couldnt go there. But I could come to the party later. I told him to skip the bar and go to the party later..with me. His words were.. "are you crazy?" **STAB** He told me to call his place of employement and let him know what I was doing.
I sat and thought about it. I didnt really want to go. Im not much of a party person. I knew how Id feel there. But it was with people he works with and they hate me. So I figured I would go just to piss the bitches off. I thought that alone would be worth it. I call him when he said to and of fucking course the little hoe that works there said he wasnt there. Which I know is a complete and utter lie. Everytime I call they tell me he is busy or something but then never even tell him that I call.
I knew this was going to happen. I told him it would. He said he would have the cordless on him. He would hear it ring. Of course I cant help but to think that perhaps he tells them to say he isnt there. He told me before he left that he wouldnt be out late anyway. He had to work in the morning. I called his bluff. I told him to quit lying to me. He wasnt out late, he just never came home. So I lie awake all fucking night worrying about him. He could have atleast called and let me know he wasnt dead.
I cant keep doing this. I can not compete with alcohol, with the hoes he works with - who are out to ruin us and seem to be succeeding, with his lies. I never really quite understood when people say they know when they are being cheated on. But I kinda get it now. Its this feeling. I think maybe he's cheating on me too. Hell, we dont even have sex anymore. Doesnt that just make me feel wonderful about myself. Sometimes I wonder why I even fight to surpress the eatting disorder I seem to have - I obviously need to be shoving my fist down my throat.
I just cant keep doing this to myself. I cant keep allowing him to do this to me. Maybe I love him maybe I dont. The point is I love myself more. Or atleast I should and I should not allow him to do this to me. Im better than that arent I? I mean I dont feel like I am but I know i am.
I guess Ill wait a few days, see if he calls. If he doesnt Ill go see him monday. Make him fucking talk to me. Because right now, at this moment im not afraid of losing him.
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