running away
Friday, Sept. 02, 2005 at 11:19 p.m.
I recieved an email from J.T. today. I was excited and thrilled but his letter has left me even more confused. even more upset and Im crying...again.
He said that I was not just sex to him but two years is a long time to wait for someone and if we would have met sooner things might have been different. He also said he would love to keep in touch with me and possibly see me when he earns upsome leave time somewhere around april.
I dont understand exactly what that means. Yes, two years is a long time to wait but he acts like I have something better to do. Is that is way of saying I dont like you that way. Is that his way of saying he cant wait two years. I think id be the one doing the waiting anyway. And why might he possibly see me? What the hell does maybe and possibly fucking mean? Im so confused. I need clarification.
I need to know if I should give up on us ever being anything more; of ever being anything or should I prepare myself to wait. Because I could wait. Because I like him that much. I just dont want to sound obsessed and crazy in writing that to him. I suppose I could wait to say anything about it. I could wait until I possibly see him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Im tired of my life. Im tired of the way I live. Im tired of having this education and being too afraid to actually use it. Im tired of working a fucking dead end job. Of barely making enough money to pay my bills. Of being knee deep in doctor bills I cant fucking pay.
Im tired of just being a pretty face. Because apparently that is all I am. Im tired of guys just wanting me for sex or always asking me out. No, I dont want to have sex with you and no I dont want to go out with you.
Im tired of everyone else bringing me down. Im tired of being guitly by association. Im tired of hearing your sob stories. B/c no matter what I say your not going to listen. B/c you are always right. Ive come to learn there is nothing I can do for you if you wont listen so all I can do is bid farewell. Im tired of the same old drama day after day. Im tired of your bi polar episodes...I love you, I love you not. And mostly, Im tired of the immature games you play.
Im finally somewhat happy damn it. Your killing my buzz. I mean surprizingly my life isnt half bad right now -all things considered. Im content. In a weird state of contentment. And I dont mind being here. So please let go of my legs as we dangle here 4 stories about the ground.
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