Ive hit bottom-ive started another tunnel
Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005 at 10:56 p.m.
"Pain comes with caring. Remember that."
J.T. (the marine guy) told me that as I lay in his arms. "I see pain in your eyes." He told me as I tried so hard not to cry in front of him. I didnt want him to know that in just a week I was already falling for him. I was so sad that he was leaving for Japan for two fucking years. I was sad because I knew that I was never going to see him again. That the little fling we had was all about sex. As with me it usually is. Except in the bottom of my heart I hoped it wasnt just sex to him. I hoped he liked me just as much as I liked him. Of course he said it wasnt just sex but what else are you going to say?
He left friday morning at 10:00 am. We spent the night together and when I took him home in the morning I didnt want to let him go. I held onto him as long as I could. I stared deep into him trying desperately to memorize every last detail of his face. Kissed him one last time hoping to never forget how soft his lips were.
Im mad because I promised myself I wouldnt get attached to him. I knew he was leaving, I knew the pain I would go through; am going through if I allowed that to happen. I told J.T. this and he said it was his fault. Its his fault because he kept talking to me. We kept seeing each other. We continued to sleep together. Whatever the hell that means.
I just miss him. Maybe Im just obsessive. I shouldnt miss someone I knew only for a week. I shouldnt be feeling like I just lost the love of my life. But honestly... thats exactly how it feels. I dont think I was in love with him but I know I could have very easily fallen for him.
The marks on my chest-the ones he gave me are starting to fade. Soon he will be nothing more than a memory. Another one I lost. Another one I found but couldnt keep; I had to give back. My heart aches. And although he told me to write him I think he will just stop answering. Because its not like im going to go all the way to Japan to see why he isnt responding. Although it is always an option.
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