I cant help you dont undrestand. That you arent willing to.
Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005 at 3:32 p.m.
Spring Break is over and I dread having to be back in school. I technically have only 4 more months left. I will not make it.
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I have only seen Danny one time in the last week. It's like having fucking visitation rights. I'd like to see my boyfriend more than once a week. But on the other hand I suppose it is probably a good thing we dont spend every waking minute together.
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We had our first fight a few nights ago. It was about his playing cards. Normally I wouldnt even think to ask someone not to do something they liked to do but I missed him dearly and just wanted to be with him. Plus, if he was even going to think about ditching me after we already had plans.. I had every right be to mad.
He said, "Are you happy? Im not playing." But it didnt matter. He wasnt not playing because I had asked him not to. He wasnt playing because there wasnt enought people to play. It didnt make me mad; Didnt piss me off. It saddened me. Broken my fucking heart.
Dont get me wrong. I understand addiction. Hell, I am one big addiction. But atleast I can admit that. I know Im am addicted to cutting myself. And you Danny, you are addicted to gambling.
Danny had the fucking nerve to say that my cutting myself is the exact same thing as him playing cards. Not in the least. I dont call him and say how sorry I am that I cant see him because I must cut myself. I dont ditch him for the razor. Self-mutilation doesnt limit our time together as gambling does.
He has told me how my cutting hurts him. How my causing pain to myself causes pain to him. I by no means want to hurt him but how can he ask me to stop? To stop the one thing I have in life. The one thing that gets me through. That calms me. That is keeping from really hurting myself.
I love him. I really do. But I dont think I can stop. I surely couldnt give up my addiction when he isnt willing to stop or even limit his addiction.
I wish I never would have started cutting myself. And to be honest I have no idea why I did.
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