Constant reminders.
Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004 at 12:53 a.m.
I think Im at a turning point in my life right now. Ive come to realize so much and have let go of so much also.
I realized that I do not want to continue working at Kmart my enite life. It's not that I wake up everyday dreading going to work because I dont. Its a great place to work. There just isnt enough excitement for me. I want more.
I also realized that I have let go too. The majority of my fears are now gone and I can sleep at night again. This has allowed me to want freedom and independence. Ive let go of Ryan and the pain he caused me and the pain he caused me to cause me to put on myself. Ive let go of wanting a man to lean on; to hold me up and give me strenght, Ive let go of thinking I need a boyfriend to be happy. All I need at the moment i myself and a place to write.
I dont need friends either. I think it's easier to be by myself. Friends will only get in my way. Being alone allows me to think only of me and what I need. That way I wont be hurting anyone.
The one thing that I cant let go of however is the hate and anger I have towards my mother. I can not forgive her. I cant forget all she did to me and the neglect. I cant forget that I dont have a mother or that I never had one for that matter. Im not normally one to blame my problems on another but I know that she fucked me up. Parents always fuck thier kids up. It's just the degree of fucking up that differs. Maybe Im just not ready to forgive. But that is a story for another time.
The only thing that truly scares me at the moment is school itself. Im not sure Im smart enough or have the strenght to learn. Im not sure I can work hard. Let's face it, Ive never worked hard for anything.
I realize people arent born with the knowledge a paramedic posses. I know they worked hard to get themselves where they are. I just cant promise myself that I can do that. I dont want to disappoint myself.
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