I(.)DESERVE(.)BETTER(.)
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 at 1:19 a.m.
Ryan has been on my mind pratically all day. I thought of all the different ways to tell him to fuck off If I ever talk to him again.
I would tell him how he never really cared about me in the first place. How Somehow I couldnt help but to care deeply for him. There was something about him that made me want to be with him. Maybe its the fact I know I coant have him. And he knew that I cared for him and used it to his advantage. I would say that after everything I realized I loved him. But Im glad I never told him. Telling him now somehow allows those words to have less meaning.
If I wouldnt have cheated on him he would have broken up with me anyway to be with a minor; jailbait. He claims he wouldnt have cheated on me but I think he would have. And look where all that got him. He hit her, blaming it on alcohol and her daddy pressed charges. Because of that and all it lead to he was forced to move to michigan and live with daddy. Which lead to a DUI. If it were me I wouldnt have pressed charges, I would have kicked the shit out of him myself. I hope he is happy with his decisions.
And when they broke up he ran back to me. And in my ignorance I allowed myself to fall back into his arms. To fall face first into heart break. I should have known but was blinded. I should have read between the lines when he said he needed a few weeks. I didnt listen to the silence. To him it was all about sex but so much more to me.
But it doesnt matter now. What is done is done. I see the error in my ways. I realized today that I no longer want anything to do with him. I dont want to be friends....nothing!! Fuck him! He is a terrible person and I dont need that in my life. I also realized he never said goodbye when he left or told me that his phone was being shut off. To me that says so much. It tells me he doesnt care and I will listen this time. He never said goodbye so I'll do it for him.
That boy just lost the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Again. Except this time it's forever.
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