..........I want to believe........it's just so damn hard.
Wednesday, Jul. 14, 2004 at 2:24 a.m.
At 19 things are far more confusing than they were at 15. I truly believe ignorance is bliss. I am too old to just ignore life but still too young to actually live it; to understand it.
Life never seems to get any easier. Each day brings forth more problems and more depressing thoughts. Overall Im just confused. I dont even know If I should be proud of my accomplishments. Should I be proud to be a cerified firefighter and EMT with just graduating high school? Should I be happy that I am half way to reaching my dreams at such a young age while everyone els my age is out having the times of their lives? And having no idea what they want to do nor have they even started working towards it.
While everybody else is just being teenagers I am working two jobs just to pay for school. I am missing out on being a kid so to speak. And for what? Just to prepare for a future I am not guaranteed to even have. Because I am studying anatomy and how to save people from any situation for hours on end. Just for a job; for a dream. I cant help but to be scared by the fact that I contain all this information.
When people look at me they dont know what I am, what classes I have taken or the seemingly impossible tests I have passed. They dont know my dreams; to be a paramedic among so many others. All they see is another teenage loser working a dead end job. They dont know Im only working at Kmart to pay my way through school; to be something better. Instead they push me around and walk all over me. Because I am just a cashier and the customer is always right. Sometimes I want to stand on the counter and scream,"Im going to be something better you know!"
It just scares me to grow up and be on my own. To know that paramedic school is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Esp. since I am use to never really putting effort into anything. So wouldnt it just be easier to give up? To realize I am destined to be nothing in life? To admit defeat and save myself the effort?
I cant even watch TV without having doubts about myself. When I watch the ER and paramedic shows I remind myself that there is no way in hell I will ever be able to do that. I sit and cry because I want it so bad but I just dont think I can do it.
Because I am scared to even try. Maybe it's the possibility of falling that really scares me. I just need that constant reassurance. I need someone like my EMT instructor to tell me I can do anything I put my mind to like he use to. I dont know if he knows it but he held my life together. He showed me the light on a daily basis. He made me feel like everything would turn out okay. I can still remember his words.... "Life is never going to be easy, life is never easy for anyone. But you have to try, you have to put effort and hard work into it. You cant just give up because if you do you will never know what might have been. I believe in you, why cant you believe in yourself?"
Why cant I just believe in myself?
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