I can deal with that
Monday, Jun. 14, 2004 at 1:06 a.m.
I spent the day with Ryan after work yesterday. It was nice just being with him. We did a bunch of nothing really but watch baseball; Boston. I fucking hate baseball but it made me happy to be with him.
He wrapped his arms around me and held me. Laid with me on the coach. Rested his head on my stomach and played with my hair. And I was happy. But I got this crazy awkward feeling that he was thinking not of me there with him but of her.
I think staying up till 5 o' clock in the morning talking to him the night before really helped. I said absolutely everything I was thinking and felt. About how I felt used and worthless. He said, "yes, I did use you the first time we got back together. And I felt like shit about it." Good! Im glad that made his feel terrible about himself. That is what I wanted. I told him if thats all he wants from me then I am done. I want nothing more to do with him. Because that day I found out he hit his ex-girlfriend and he lied to me about why he had to go to court and such. Because of that reason I wanted nothing more to do with him. I told him that its my natural instinct to hate her but I truly feel sorry for her. He said she hated me too. (Hmm... good to know that someone who doesnt even know me what so ever hates me.) But that conversation made me feel different. (yea, of course it would)
I asked him what I was to him, "Am I nothing to you?" I cant quite remember what his exact words were but something about me not being nothing to him because I am something. Blah Blah Blah....... I remembered to ask him if he would have broken up with me when he met her.....He said yes..... Jerk!
To be truthful, I dont think we will ever be anything more than friends again. I doubt we ever get back together...officially. And I am Okay with that. Oddly content.
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