what is a girl to do?
Monday, May. 31, 2004 at 1:53 a.m.
Each day brings me new things to worry and think about. Each new day leaves me so confused with myself. I wish I could depart from my body, sit down and have a long conversation with myself.
Tonight, brought memories of the past. Tonight was the beginning and yet the end of something so much more. It nearly brings me to tears; of joy or fright im not sure.
I was at Wal-mart and guess who calls...Ryan. He wanted me to come over and hangout. Said to have my aunt drop me off at his house. I said okay but asked my aunt from Columbus what she though. Since she is the only one I feel comfortable enough talking to. She said I need to be sure he isnt trying to use me but there is no real way of knowing. I called him back and said I wouldnt be coming over. I just didnt want to take the chance.
I was proud of myself for telling him no. But he called me back and we talked awhile; he promised me he wouldnt use me. He said he wants to give me a second chance. HE wants ME back. But what made me extremely happy was he said he felt bad about last time. HA HA!!!
After much debate I went over. I had fun, we talked about a lot of stuff and playingly fought with each other. I told myself I wouldnt have sex with him because its probably all he wants anyway. But we did have sex anyway. I dont really regret it either. I was just happy to be with him.
As I sat there looking at him I thought, I really do love this guy. I could see myself with him for a long time. He's not the hottest guy ive been with but there is something that attracts me to him. Something I love.
Im just worried that I wont be able to handle being with him again. Which brings me to a whole new problem. What about Tom? All the shit Ive felt for him. If anything, I dont want to stop being friends with him. But if Im with Ryan that wont be possible. How do I tell him? Ryan said Tom said I was the new love of his life. Which implies that Im not the first and probably wont be the last. I just dont want to hurt him. Because that will hurt me.
*****FUCK*****
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