I dont blame you for walking away.
Sunday, May. 02, 2004 at 11:01 p.m.
When you make a horrible mistake, one that can never be taken back you have to live with it. As hard as its going to be I have to live with it. I have to fucking deal with it. Am forced to live with myself forever. Forgetting was never an option.
Ive just been used and taken advantage of. But I suppose I deserve it. It's par for the course. But do you think I honestly do deservve it? Am I that bad of a person? Should I have left well enough alone? Why does God hate me? These questions will never be answered.
I should have been smart enough to tell him no. When he called I shouldnt have answered. When Ryan said I'll be there in 20 minutes I should have told him to go to hell. When he put his hand on my leg I should have burnt him with my cigarette. I should have bite his tounge when he shoved it down my throat. I shouldnt have had sex with him. But I did.
"I shouldnt be doing this." He says. Doing what? "Having you here, leading you on." WHAT??? "Im moving back to Boston in two weeks. I hate it here. I think I should take you home now." Why didnt he just literally rip my heart out right there in the bedroom? Maybe dance around the room with it laughing. Yelling, " I got you good" at the top of his lungs.
I dont know. I cant even put how this is making me feel into words right now. All I can say is I feel like shit. I big heaping pile of dog shit sitting in the front yard on a humid day. All I know is I was under the impression everything was okay and he wanted me back. But all it was was revenge. Goodbye sex. Good fucking bye.
But atleast I got a part of what I wanted; to apologize. I got all that shit lifted of my chest. He said I dont owe him an apology I owe him a blowjob. So I fucking gave him one. I said sorry one last time as I hugged him goodbye. He told me not to worry about it. I dont "worry" about it. I obsess about it, I hurt about it, I cry about it, I cut about it and I get sick about it.
I hope he's fucking happy now. I pray he feels great about himself. But secertly I hope it eats away at his insides. I want it to eat him from the inside out. I want him to suffer just like I know I will suffer too.
And so we are officially over. There is no longer any hope whatsoever. I now will have to deal with life.
I hope this is what you wanted.
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