what kind of friendship is this?
Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 at 8:56 p.m.
I went how long feeling horrible about cheating on Ryan? How long did I go tearing myself up? Months. I went months telling myself I was a no good dirty tramp for cheating on someone whom which I had the potential of falling in love with. And for what? I made more scars on myself for what exactly? For absoluty fucking nothing!
Ive learned yet again that you really cant trust anyone; not even your best friend. Because I found out Justine slept with Ryan; the night we were suppose to go out. That is why he wouldnt answer his phone.
I feel angery and taken advantage of. I feel hurt and disrespected. I feel sick and repulsed. I feel every single thing one could feel at a moment like this. And I dont know how to release any of it; because I will not let myself cut. Ive told myself that I can deal with anything without physically harming myself. I pray I will not break down.
I want to call him and tell him what a fucking hypocrite and jerk he his. "How can you cheat on someone you love? I dont understand it. I could never do that to you." I swore up and down I didnt cheat on him. Yes, I lied. But so did he.
This hurts so much. I cant stop crying. How could she do this to me? And I honestly cant be mad at her because I love her to death. I cant let her use me like this. Im getting sick of it. When I say anything she gets pissed off.
My best friend slept with my boyfriend. What the fuck was she thinking? I could never fucking do that to her. He would have to rape me first. She was the one who told him how much I liked him in the first place. And I went through so much shit with my family for him just for him to fuck me over.
And I have no one to talk to because the one I always talk to is the one who fucking hurt me. And I think I have the right to consider that hurtful. She didnt even seem to be sorry about it. She just twisted it around back on me. "You said you were going to break up with him." and "Why do you have to sleep with the same people Ive slept with." Ok. Only a few. But then she said later that she honestly didnt really give a fuck about that. So not only did she sleep with him but she tried to make ME feel bad about it.
This shit has got to stop.
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