And it comes down to this
Monday, Mar. 31, 2003 at 3:14 p.m.
I attempted to make a livejournal. But It was so confusing so I said fuck it.
In english we are reading Macbeth. And we were talking about how Lady Macbeth asked the witches to help her to lose her motherly traits and such so she may have the courage to kill the king.
Anyway we started talking about consciences and how we feel bad when we lie or steal. Its like we are violating our consciences. We feel bad. Or prehaps weve become so accustom to it it no longer bother us. Then he asked "Can you remember when you were little and it bothered you to steal, lie cheat etc?" The funnie thing was I dont remember ever feeling bad about it. When I lived with my mother it was a way of life. To lie and to steal. I dont think I ever felt sorry about that.
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I was thinking today. About how I was pissed off at everyone. Or that is how it seemed. But I came to realize that I was pissed off at myself. I am disappointed in me. Mostly because ive abondaned myself. I let myself forget who I am and I changed to become what people wanted me to. And I realized that this is stupid. Next year they will be gone and I will never see him again. So why become what he wants me to be? That isnt who I am. I will graduate and I will only have myself. So why betray myself?
I know I keep saying that Im gonna be myself no matter what. But When it comes down to it I forget what I need to do, and dont remember it until I sit down here to write. But I promise myseld that Im gonna stop caring. Im gonna get my shit together. I need to do this before it is too late and I forget who it is I really am. If I even really know.
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