What if I was just writing to say goodbye?
Monday, Mar. 03, 2003 at 11:29 a.m.
I dont understand where I went wrong. I dont understand where I lost control of everything. Where did I let everything fall to the ground with a loud bang and shatter everywhere? How do I begin picking everything up? I'll never find them all, most are too heavy tp pick up. Where do I find the strenghth?
Its been a long time since I cried. But thats only b/c I cant. All I get is teary eyed. That is all. What did I do to deserve this life? Who's punishment am I completely? This isnt mine.
And...........
FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT YOU HAVE PUT ME THROUGH THIS YEAR. THANKS FOR MAKING WHAT LITTLE HAPPINESS I DID HAVE IN MY LIFE DISAPPEAR. I HOPE YOU ALL CAN DIE HAPPY NOW KNOWING YOU TOOK THE ONLY THING THAT I LIVED FOR. THANKS FOR TAKING WHO I AM.
Ive always thought suicide to be the most selfish thing a person could do. But now I have nothing to live for. I have nothing to wake up for tomorrow. I have no one to wake up for. And if I do, then you really know a good way to show a person that you care. If you really cared you would see that something has been wrong. You must know that this isnt the way that ive always acted. You would see that I havent been me all year. You would know if you really cared.
But there must be something going around that says dont let her know you care. Pretend that you cant see her fading away.
*Well im telling you now that I am fading away*
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