My pain will die when you do too....with some catch 22
Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002 at 11:58 p.m.
She was diagnosed on a Friday, the kids were almost home, the kids were on their way back home from school, lying face down in the gutter of unaccomplished dreams and broken memories of things to come, "Sorry ma'am, I really am. I had to break the news. I had to make the phone call to tell you that you're due, you know where, I'll tell you when, and I suggest you start living these next three weeks, the best way that you can." Every night for three long weeks, she'd roam the hallways half asleep and as the footsteps fade away in my mind, I could swear, I could swear, I heard her say: Don't wait for me, I've got a lot to do I've got a lot to be and in the end maybe I'll see you there. Lost her strength on a saturday. Spent the day in bed. Yeah, I'm fine, it's just the flu she said with a smile, but when they turned their backs, the tears would flow. She knew she only had a while to live to breathe to see to be to bleed to stand on her own two weakened feet "and so I pray everyday: don't take my mother away" and in the end maybe i'll see you there. You know i'll see you there and in the end i'll see you there.
This song. Brings tears to my eyes. Makes me think of my mom. How is she? Where is she? Does she think of me? Do any of them think of me? What would happen if i called you, and told you how i felt? I think before you would have shrugged me off. But since this last summer, the thing that happened. That incident. You might say you love me. Yea i said it too. But i was obligated. I had no choice. I was suddenly flooded with all these memories, flash backs and feelings. I didnt know what to say. But now i have had time to think.
Im not a selfish person, not in the least. But i think i have the right, im entitled to not love you. And that would be an understatement. They all should understand. ...Understand... I dont care if they do or not. B/c i still hate you. That may never change.
I hate to say it, I really do. Sometimes i think it would have been better if you would have died. B/c before you where already dead to me. With your soul throwin at me, just to fuck with my head. Just this one last time. Just for kicks. I need to bury these feelings now.
They need there own little casket with there own little headstone. Black flowers and happy music. Lets party now that they are gone. Lower them into the ground at a fast pace. We throw dirt not flowers. Get this over with. This will happen when you go with them.
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