All grown up [but not]
Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2002 at 9:07 p.m.
Today wasnt an overly exciting day nor was it an overly depressing day. So i guess it was an ok day?
Everytime i began to update I would reread what i wrote and think..."im so stupid, these words make no sense why do i even bother?"My 18th birthday is coming up and i dread it. For numerous reason i guess. One, i def. dont look like it. Curt told me the other day that I looked 12. Well thank you Curt! Maybe when im 30 and i look 25 that might be a compliment. Also , b/c i dont want to grow up. I dont know if im just immature or im scared to be on my own. I think It scares to me know that i could just leave everyone and never look back.
The major reason being that i believe ive wasted 18 years of my life. (I dont even have my L's yet.) I had a very interesting convo. with Kt the other day. She told me that i havent wasted anything. And im a much more strong person than most adult are or ever will be. And im an amazing person who has this unique outlook on life. Which she is right and i know it. But sometimes I just want to forget everything I believe in and stop. Esp. on the days when my family tells me im just being difficult for thinking that way. Or yelling at me b/c I refuse to think like the rest of them.
I dont know what it is going to take for me to grow up. Or for me to realize that in going to life to be an adult. B/c for some odd reason i just have this feeling that im not going to life to be old. Its weird I know.
I need some reassurance
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