waiting for an answer
Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2006 at 2:24 a.m.
Im trying to quit the smoking. It has proven hard and extremely difficult. I love to smoke. It's stupid I know but it's calming, it passes time, I dont eat nearly as much. I finally broke down and purchased the patch. I just couldnt do it cold turkey. It really does work physically. But mentally I am still fighting. I want to have the cigarette in my hand. I want to feel my lungs filling up with the toxic smoke. I want to see it as I exhale. Just thinking about it. I need it. But I wont give in to it.
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While with Joe tonight I couldnt help but to question how i really feel about him. Do I want to be with him forever? Do I love him? Does he love me? Maybe it's too early to even say. We've only been together for almost 2 months.
I dont know why im obsessing about this. I want so badly for someone to love me. But I dont want to think the only reason I am with him is because he loves me. Because he is the only one in the world. I dont want to have to settle for the one thing I want so badly.
Dont get me wrong. Thats not how I feel now. Honestly I dont know how I feel. Im confused. Lost. Maybe Im just scared he may love me too. That he may want to spend the rest of his life with me. Thats alot of pressure. Commitment. I may not be able to handle that.
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