bleeding promises
Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2005 at 3:56 p.m.
A few nights ago justine calls me while I am taking a bath. "What are you doing tonight?" She asks. "Im studying for a huge test I have tomorrow." "So you cant do anything?" "NO, I have a test." She says fine and hangs up. She calls back a few minutes later and asks if I could go out for atleast an hour. No I can not go out tonight. I have a fucking huge test tomorrow that I HAVE to do good on. She says "Fine, I dont think we should be friends anymore." "WHY"??? "Because we just have nothing in common anymore." Then she hangs up on me.
What....? Why does she have to be so selfish. Im sorry but the world does not revolve around you. You get pissed at me because I put my education first? I guess that makes me some kind of a bad person. Yes..I put a mid-term exam before my best friend. What the fuck was I thinking?
Im just tired of this bullshit and I can not deal with this right now. This is the third time she has done this to me and I guess I should just take the hint. I love her to death but sometimes you have to realize when your love isnt mutual.
It hurts so bad that I cant even feel it anymore but Im not going to beg for her to be my friend anymore. Not if she doesnt want to be. Not if she is going to continue to think I have to do what she says and wants. Im a fucking person too and I have other things going on besides her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I cut myself for the first time in a long time last night. The feeling it brought was even better than I remembered it. Sobbing uncontrolably, blood everywhere...running down my legs, my fingers, all over my hands, my clothes and my bed.
My heart hurt so bad. I just wanted it out of my body, I scratched the holy shit out of my chest.
I never thought love could hurt do much. I never thought missing someone so much could bring such tears and blood.
Last night was the third night in a row that Danny promised to be with me and then didnt. The first night he had to go to work..okay I understand that but then decided to go play cards afterwards. OKay,,Im a little pissed and hurt but whatever. The second night his brother had a seizure and he had to go to the hospital...COMPLETELY understand.
But not last night. Not when I call him and he tells me he is at a club. That he didnt mean to be there, his friend made him go. Not after he promised me, Not after saying "the only way I will not see you is if im dead."
I fucking told the asshole to never make promises to me anyway. Because the events of last night is what might happen. What did happen. Your broken promises make me bleed.
He even had the nerve to tell me not to be mad at him and that he is sorry. Well now...doesnt that make me feel much fucking better?
The only way I will believe I will get to see him tonight is when I see him pull in my drive way.
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