Now that I have time to write something of actual importance....
Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 at 4:22 p.m.
I think Ive been straying from my feelings lately. Perhaps the fact that Ive been feeling nothing; empty, might have a lot to do with it. Like Im stuck in a state of numbness. That is always a sign things are going to get rough. I have nowhere else to go but down again. AGAIN. I can repeatedly sense when depression is trying to sneak its way back in. It's only a matter of time before it succeeds. A matter of minutes. Except Im left wondering when that precise moment will be. It frightens me not to know. TO wonder where I will be when It hits me and uncontrolable tears pour from my tear ducts. The embarrasment of fighting them back scares me and keeps me constantly on edge.
I wish I could pin point these times. Know exactly when it will start and when it will end. Circle its vicious cycle on the calender and plan my life around it. Except I cant. It's unpredictable like Ohio's weather. Instead I am left in a constant state of panic. I dont htink thats any way for a person to have to live.
When I said I couldnt wait for school to start so I could keep my mind busy with other things I didnt mean this. I didnt mean that I wanted to feel absolutely nothing at all. Why can I never win? Just find a middle ground. Why does it always have to go from one extreme to the other?
New Memories Profile Notes Fans E-mail Guestbook Glitter Tramp Design Host