Each new chapter in this book called life
Wednesday, Aug. 11, 2004 at 3:14 a.m.
It is said that the things you want the most happen when you least exspect it. Up until a few days ago I would have disagreed. But things in my life have taken an unsuspected turn. At this point it's for the better.
These past few months Ive een constantly alone. I dont mean isolated or anything of the sort but without on to be with; without a guy to hold me together. And finallyI can no longer say that. Ive fond someone who cares. Who REALLY cares.
This guy is different from anyone Ive ever been with, he's no using me. That is all I really need to say. Cuddlingn is also something Ive never truly experienced either. Saddly. There are so many other things that I cant not being to explain.
But being with him has me tornin. On one hand im glad to be with him because Im finally not alone and also because it has allowed me to forget about Ryan; to be free of him so to speak. But on the other hand it scares me. I cant promise I'll be all that he exspects or needs me to be.
I dont think Im comfortable in enough with myself to be in a relationship. At 19 im ashamed to admit Ive never honestly been in a real relationship. Every guy Ive dated or been with never really gave themselves to me. I have been used, hurt and thrown to the side like a piece of meat; trash. Ive mainly been just a whore to them. Ive never been taken as a serious girlfriend.
I am also scared because once Ive fallen for someone I fall hard, become infatuated and end up getting hurt. Im scared because I cant trust myself. My mind fills itself with horible thoughts. I think, what if I find someone with a better body? Someone more attractive? Just another assole I cant help but to want and end up doing something I regret. With past experiences Ive learned it's guys like that that use me. I cant promise I can avoid temptations.
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