Why do I continue to cry over him?
Friday, Jul. 09, 2004 at 1:10 a.m.
And so the J is still missing. I cannot say how many times Ive searched or how many times I sat for hours replaying ever move I made the last night I wrote in it. I am certain I placed it on the table. I figured after my basically throwing a fit if someone in my family took it they would have surely put it back by now, but no such luck.
At this point I dont care if someone has read it I just want it back. It means so fucking much to me it holds my entire life, pictures, drawings and poems since the end of January. I even searched in the fucking trash for it. It has an up close picture of a red mailbox that I took on the cover; It was my favorite.
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While talking to Ryan yesterday I realized what a loser he really is. I realized he is going nowhere in life and the sooner I allow myself to believe that the better off I am. I dont think I really love him, I dont know what love is. And even if I did he treats like shit anyway. He doesnt love me or even care about me; he mainly just uses me. Ryan is not the kind of person I want to be with.
So what is it about him that I cant let go of? The fact that he gave me affection at a time in my life where I thought no guy would ever find me attractive again and I deemed myself "ugly"? I think tired of being alone had a lot to do with it. Maybe boredom with life played a small part in it too.
I know that I deserve better. I just havent found it yet. Well, maybe I have but none of these guys compare to him. You know, I remember my mother always having guys like Ryan. Well, I was young but he just reminds me of the men she brought home. I wonder if things like that are genetic? I wish I could talk to her about it. But that just isnt possible.
I need to take this time to break free of whatever hold he has upon me. I just wish I knew how to do that. Maybe when I start college in the fall plus with working two jobs I can keep myself pre-occupied with other things. I suppose time heals all things.
And in the long run, all I ever really wanted was for someone to love me.
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