What are these feelings?
Sunday, Feb. 01, 2004 at 11:09 p.m.
Staring up at the stars at night, I wonder what he is doing this very moment. Knowing I can never truly have him makes me want him even more. And wanting him even more tears my heart out. This kind of love hurts.
Walking down the street seeing other men that are just as beautiful make me realize that no american guy will ever compare to him. His broad shoulders and tall muscular body frame. His thick Ukranian accent when he talks english drives me crazy. Or when he talks his language sends me over the edge, even though I have no idea what he says.
But then I look down to the ground and reality sets back in. I think of his girlfriend who lives in New York and I think of the other girls I know he's sleeping with. Am I as stupid as they are? It doesnt matter how much I say I love him or want him I know I never really can. I know he would cheat on me. How can these other girls not realize that?
But I will continue to sleep with him because I cant believe someone like him would want me, even if it is just for sex. Especially for sex. Looking into his eyes I wonder what he really thinks of me. But in the end it will never really matter. And I will always have a special place in my heart for him; Saying I love him are not the right words but the first that come to mind.
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