Realizations
Wednesday, Jan. 14, 2004 at 12:20 a.m.
I just realized I will never be anything to Pasha than a fuck. A good one I hope. friends? Who knows. I have the feeling if he never saw me again it wouldnt phase him.
How does that make me look? Being in love with a guy who is basically just using me? And doesnt that make me look worse realizing it? A lot dumber than the dumb girl who doesnt even know.
I guess it just make me feel "special" for a lack of better words knowing someone as hot as him would have anything to do with me, let alone make love to me (or so it seemed like love last night). Right after him talking about his girlfriend, who lives in New York. Which is what allowed this reality to sink in in the first place.
This whole thing kind of makes me feel horrible. Because I know she must honestly really love him. How could she not? But how can she think he's being faithful? Its all probably one big cycle started by Pasha. Something he will never be able to stop; not now.
Its all out of control and I cant stop. This is probably going to be constant struggle for me. I dont think I will ever be able to stop wanting him or thinking about him. Even if I had him.
And to make matters worse I dont think he could ever do anything to totally piss me off. I would always forgive him. But dont I always forgive everyone?
I hate to say I love him but I have to stop lying to myself I dont when I know I really do or perhaps since Ive been in love I just think this is it. To tell you the truth I have no idea what this is. I guess to him Im just another girl, another fuck. Until he gets tired of me.
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