Secrets revealed-Now you know me a little better.
Wednesday, Apr. 16, 2003 at 11:26 p.m.
Things that I have unknowingly done for years is starting to get out of hand. The fact that I have no self esteem has a lot to do with it.
I hate when people watch me eat. Not my family or my friends not even complete strangers. Just people that I kind of know or ones that I feel I must be accepted by. Or the feeling that I must hide my food; I must sneak food. Ive done this for as long as I can remember. I know I dont have to. I dont know why I do it. I just do.
All of these things have jumped to a new level. I have went from hardly eatting at all, to eatting and throwing it up. I dont do it after every meal or even every day. I have went from being able to deal with hungar pains and ignoring them to not being able to deal with them. And I havent the strength to start over again.
I have went from being able to tell what im feeling to not knowing If im happy or sad. Music, reading, writing used to be my way out. But now its just something that I do. So one day I accidently stumpled upon cutting, Self- mutilation, self injury (SI). Its amazing how an accidently cut can feel. Amazing how that works. How I like to see my blood. How the physical pain is better than the emotional.
Nobody knows any of these things but you. Not even my friends. So please dont tell. Please dont let our secret slip.
I cant even admit to myself that something is wrong. I know no ones cares. This is just something we dont talk about.
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