In my sweet surrender
Monday, Oct. 10, 2005 at 11:00 p.m.
It's funny, you take painkillers to kill the pain - so why is my heart still fucking killing me.
But I want more.
Right now I'd take anything. I want this pain to stop. All in fucking all its not as bad as it once was. It's more like an aching. Still, it bothers me. And nights are the hardest. The times when ive really got nothing to do and my mind is free to wonder about this and about that.
Maybe it's because I know at this time Id be with him. Id see his face and hear his voice. Be able to touch him.
If only I could realize. Realize the pain of not having him is far less than being with him but not being able to touch him. To reach him - He was so distant.
And still I want painkillers. Anything. I want alcohol. Anything. In any form. Shot them. Snort them. Smoke then. Pop them. Just to make the ache. The lonliness. the boredom. Go away.
I wanna go away.
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